How a TV Show Saved My Life

Back in 2012, I was not attending a church of any kind and, therefore, was relying on myself to put the puzzle pieces in order, so they would actually lock together.  They never did.  And in 2012 I had a huge psychotic break that landed me in the hospital.  My two best friends, Clarise and Mike (married then, now divorced) were up in New York with Clarise’s parents and had no cell reception.  Eventually, though I got through, but was hit with some startling news… Clarise’s mother had passed.

So, here I was, in the hospital, finally becoming lucid, and my friend was suffering.  I got out of the hospital the day before our friend’s wedding and, me being me, forgot all that had happened to Clarise and needed her.  I wasn’t fully recovered and she was right there.  Right when I needed her.  She helped me out.  She never once abandoned me.  I didn’t realize what had happened until many years later, and I still don’t forgive myself for not being there for her tragic loss.

It wasn’t the first time having psychosis.  I’ve had it practically my whole life.  But this was BAD… extremely bad.  I can only liken it to the break I had my senior year in high school, and even that paled in comparison.  It kept getting worse.  I had to leave my job.

But within all this, Clarise and Mike introduced me to Supernatural.  I know some of you have a bad taste in your mouth when you hear about the show, but this entry is ABOUT it.  So deal.  I started watching and fell in love with the show.  It was during the middle of season 7 being currently aired, and I quickly caught up.   Mind you, I was still having delusions and hallucinating a bit.  As I watched season 7, Sam, after all he’d been through (not spoiling it for others!), was having hallucinations and delusions.  He even ended up in a psychiatric facility.  So there I was, suffering inside, and this character on a tv show was feeling like me.  I cried.  I literally cried.  I’ve continued to watch the show except in recent years (gotta play catch-up, right?).

So, even if the root cause wasn’t the same for Sam, the show showed me that it could tackle anything.  Any kind of life stress.  Things no one wants to talk about.  Sure, the show is about two brother who hunt and kill evil things (and in recent years have had a nice story line with the King of Hell and the devil himself, but now I’m getting into details), but there’s humanity underneath all that.  There’s happiness, emotional pain, physical pain, rage, love… everything.  When I realized a person like Sam Winchester could be dealing with what I did in a way gave me hope.  The next year I went to the convention on a Sunday and was just there for the Q&A.  in 2015, I went again, this time for the whole weekend, but didn’t have a photo op with him.  I honestly think if I did, I’d break down in tears.

That’s my story.  I always had help in the form or friendship ad family, but a tv show wormed into my heart, and I will forever be indebted to you, Sam Winchester.

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Ok, so my new favorite singer is Halsey.  She happens to be biracial, but extremely white-passing.  She wears wigs all the time… mostly a blue one bc that’s her trademark look.  She also sometimes does the relaxer/perm thing and can flat iron her hair out (I apologize, I don’t know what goes into doing this, so I’m guessing from what one of my friend’s does) and dyes that.  This is her:


So, yeah, people would just assume she’s white, and apparently some of her fans have no fucking clue that she’s biracial.  I mean, you love a singer, follw her on instagram and twitter and don’t know one of the most important things in her life (she’s very vocal about it bc she never felt like she “fit” anywhere).  So here’s a pic she posted on her instagram last night:


Then Halsey’s twitter blew the fuck up.  People saying that this looks like a wig.  People who insisted that Halsey was white.  A few that said white girls can have curls too.  Various racial slurs.  Outright verbal fights.  Absolute ridiculousness.  Here’s what Halsey had to say:

“i can’t believe I spent a whole damn year growing out my curls under those wigs for y’all to say my natural hair looks like a wig… some fucked up shit lmao.”

Obviously, she’s trying to play it off bc, well, PR and being famous royally sucks sometimes.  In another tweet she said she couldn’t believe there was a race war going on on her twitter.

Now, I’m not black, biracial, or anything like that.  But this is people being trash.  Extreme trash.  I don’t even know how it would affect a PoC, but the fact that it’s pissing me off this much, well…


vent over.

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The Need to Be Different

Right now I’m in the middle of deliberately trying to die my hair unevenly.  In it’s current state, I am in the middle of a 60 minute color process (no ammonia), but I can’t let ANYTHING touch this color or it will be permanently stained.  Trust me.  I’ve used this color before with the Harley Quinn hairstyle.  It’s dangerous.

As to why I’m doing this… I’m tired of boring color.  Or, boring hair, that is.  And I have plenty of color depositing conditioners and masks to keep red up, but nothing ever gets me as bright of a red than this stuff.  I’m hoping I don’t overdo it and make it look exactly the same as it was before.  If that happens, I’m giving up.  For at least a month.

I’m not sure why, but I think it’s some kind of a psychological need for me to be different in some way.  I’ve always needed a way to stand out.  And while tattoos are a great form of expression, everyone has them.  So I’ve always relied on my hair to be the thing I can change to look just a bit different (or a lot different… like the blue faux hawk).  When I was working I was always contained by color, but I’d always get some kind of different cut that I could still work in.  The only time I was ever within the realm of “normal” was my first couple of years at my first REAL job after college.

I also find myself changing color or style (mostly color) when I’m on a manic upswing.  I know before I saw my doctor last week, I was definitely headed towards one (or as high as I can go while on these meds).  He changed dosages and timings on things and I immediately crashed because the new changes made me SO tired.  But it brought me away from the helicopter blades to the high setting on a ceiling fan.  So, still on an upswing, but greatly reduced.  To be honest, I envy people who can live off their meds.

I’m still not even remotely close for the hair to be done, but I think I’ve written something.  Trying to do something to keep my mind occupied, and writing is one of those things.

Tomorrow, we start our weekly posts.



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Self-doubt Again…

I swore that yesterday would be the start of the new blogish stuff that I’m going to be doing on here… and it was Music Monday!  Um… yeah, not so much.  I got a bit (a lot) terrified to express why and how I like the music I do and to put so much stress on music because it’s one of my lifelines…

I actually have partial songs written all over my notebooks… things I want to say through lyrics rather than dialogue.  I’m not saying any of it is good, but I still do it.  I have an actual notebook with all these music ideas in it.  Lines of songs, ideas, concepts, beats, etc.  I have little parts of songs recorded on my iPad.  But the fool is me.  Even if I can write songs, who would want to see ME actually singing them?  Just appearance.  And unfamiliarity.  But what I do is so personal I could never give it off to someone else.  So I sit alone frantically pouring over ideas that will never come true.

I’m not going to play all of this as a pity party, though.  I know I can sing.  I know what I can sing.  I know my vocal range.  And every little thing I write I would be able to sing… well.  And it’s funny, kinda, but the only other person that I would consider handing my songs over to sing is amazing at singing and would actually get what I am trying to say.  And get it right.

Needless to say, I’m gonna try again next Monday to delve into music that makes me feel a certain way.  And why it does.  And you’ll get treated to a little music video, even if it is just lyrics.



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Write About What You Want

A good friend (and wonderful person overall) told me a few months ago that I should write what I want on here.  Whether it be mental illness, fandom, friends, church, anything.  It really hit home.  I’ve been writing mostly about mental illness in this journal because I feel that certain things need to be said and/or clarified.  But this journal doesn’t have to be just that.

So, I’ve decided on giving some days special things to write about.  And believe me, there will be fandom. lol.  I love so many things that I need to share the love.

Hope you all have a great day and stay strong.


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