Self-doubt Again…

I swore that yesterday would be the start of the new blogish stuff that I’m going to be doing on here… and it was Music Monday!  Um… yeah, not so much.  I got a bit (a lot) terrified to express why and how I like the music I do and to put so much stress on music because it’s one of my lifelines…

I actually have partial songs written all over my notebooks… things I want to say through lyrics rather than dialogue.  I’m not saying any of it is good, but I still do it.  I have an actual notebook with all these music ideas in it.  Lines of songs, ideas, concepts, beats, etc.  I have little parts of songs recorded on my iPad.  But the fool is me.  Even if I can write songs, who would want to see ME actually singing them?  Just appearance.  And unfamiliarity.  But what I do is so personal I could never give it off to someone else.  So I sit alone frantically pouring over ideas that will never come true.

I’m not going to play all of this as a pity party, though.  I know I can sing.  I know what I can sing.  I know my vocal range.  And every little thing I write I would be able to sing… well.  And it’s funny, kinda, but the only other person that I would consider handing my songs over to sing is amazing at singing and would actually get what I am trying to say.  And get it right.

Needless to say, I’m gonna try again next Monday to delve into music that makes me feel a certain way.  And why it does.  And you’ll get treated to a little music video, even if it is just lyrics.



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Write About What You Want

A good friend (and wonderful person overall) told me a few months ago that I should write what I want on here.  Whether it be mental illness, fandom, friends, church, anything.  It really hit home.  I’ve been writing mostly about mental illness in this journal because I feel that certain things need to be said and/or clarified.  But this journal doesn’t have to be just that.

So, I’ve decided on giving some days special things to write about.  And believe me, there will be fandom. lol.  I love so many things that I need to share the love.

Hope you all have a great day and stay strong.


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Something 13 Reasons Why Season 2 Dealt With (that we should all know about)

This entry contains imagery and thoughts about rape culture in our society.  If you are sensitive to this topic, please think before reading. 

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My friend on here, The Shameful Narcissist (how does one link to you?!), has blogs with themes.  Meaning, she writes about writing and reading and gaming, etc.  I’m personally wondering if I could ever do anything like that.  I have a nice chunk of things I could definitely put into weekly posts.  

The thing is, I usually write things that are mostly about mental health.  The problem with that whole thing is that there are only so many ways to say “stop the stigma.”  And my knowledge about mental health is what I experience and what some close friends experience.  The other day, I was trying to find other kinds of mental health things I could write about, but those I haven’t done yet are things that I have no experience with, and I’m not about to write about something that I know nothing about.

That’s why my writing has been so sparse.  So, what would you like me to write about?  I have religion, writing, watching, my cats, LJ, art (mostly graphic art), and a few others of which are slipping my mind right now.

So… Either these suggestions or things you may be curious about… Let me know.


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To the Woman Who Glared at Me When I Used My Food Stamps

I see your glare.  Don’t for one moment think I’m oblivious.  Of course, you made it pretty obvious… so I would know of your disapproval.  I don’t think you’re looking at what I’m buying, though.  It’s not junk food or desserts.  But, you probably don’t care.  You probably think that I’m taking advantage of the system.  It was pretty clear to me when you passed by me and made quite the loud comment “nice purse.”

Yes, I do have a nice purse.  But you were at least five feet away from me.  I invite you to take a closer look.  It’s quite well-worn.  It’s got scuff marks on it.  And dirt I can’t get off.  Some of the stitching is frayed.  Oh, and it was a gift.  I guess I’d have to tell you that one, though.  Even I know you can’t be a mind reader.

Maybe you should follow me out to my car.  The 2002 Subaru that has some rust on it.  The one whose oil light doesn’t go on, and just by luck I found out it had no oil in it.  Let’s take a drive.  You hear that whine when I press on the gas?  That’s my transmission.  I don’t know when it’s going to fail.

Oh!  How about I show you my bank account statements?  You know, the one where I can’t even have an account in my own name?  Wait… then you’d see my iPhone.  But then I’d have to speak to you again.  The phone is at least three years old.  My dad gave it to me.  I only pay $40/month for service.  That’s cheaper than those pay as you go plans.

You can come home with me.  It’s a quaint house.  It’s my mom’s.  We’re two months behind on the mortgage (but I’d have to tell you this too).  But while I’m there I can show you a couple of things.  Like, the letter from Social Security that says I get just a little over $1100 a month.  And maybe my med container.  I’d be happy to let you know what they’re all for.

The thing is, though, I shouldn’t have to do this to prove that I actually do need food stamps.  No one should.  99% of people need them.  There will always be the ones who are working the system, and it’s pathetic that people like you think we’re all like that.  There are bad apples everywhere.

So, I urge you next time not to judge.  People on food stamps may have nice things, but you have no idea the story behind them. Perhaps they used to have great jobs and got laid off and could barely afford their house, and they can’t sell it because it’s worth less than they owe.  You never know.  So stop being so judgemental.  There are reasons, and we all have different stories.

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