The Need to Be Different

Right now I’m in the middle of deliberately trying to die my hair unevenly.  In it’s current state, I am in the middle of a 60 minute color process (no ammonia), but I can’t let ANYTHING touch this color or it will be permanently stained.  Trust me.  I’ve used this color before with the Harley Quinn hairstyle.  It’s dangerous.

As to why I’m doing this… I’m tired of boring color.  Or, boring hair, that is.  And I have plenty of color depositing conditioners and masks to keep red up, but nothing ever gets me as bright of a red than this stuff.  I’m hoping I don’t overdo it and make it look exactly the same as it was before.  If that happens, I’m giving up.  For at least a month.

I’m not sure why, but I think it’s some kind of a psychological need for me to be different in some way.  I’ve always needed a way to stand out.  And while tattoos are a great form of expression, everyone has them.  So I’ve always relied on my hair to be the thing I can change to look just a bit different (or a lot different… like the blue faux hawk).  When I was working I was always contained by color, but I’d always get some kind of different cut that I could still work in.  The only time I was ever within the realm of “normal” was my first couple of years at my first REAL job after college.

I also find myself changing color or style (mostly color) when I’m on a manic upswing.  I know before I saw my doctor last week, I was definitely headed towards one (or as high as I can go while on these meds).  He changed dosages and timings on things and I immediately crashed because the new changes made me SO tired.  But it brought me away from the helicopter blades to the high setting on a ceiling fan.  So, still on an upswing, but greatly reduced.  To be honest, I envy people who can live off their meds.

I’m still not even remotely close for the hair to be done, but I think I’ve written something.  Trying to do something to keep my mind occupied, and writing is one of those things.

Tomorrow, we start our weekly posts.



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Self-doubt Again…

I swore that yesterday would be the start of the new blogish stuff that I’m going to be doing on here… and it was Music Monday!  Um… yeah, not so much.  I got a bit (a lot) terrified to express why and how I like the music I do and to put so much stress on music because it’s one of my lifelines…

I actually have partial songs written all over my notebooks… things I want to say through lyrics rather than dialogue.  I’m not saying any of it is good, but I still do it.  I have an actual notebook with all these music ideas in it.  Lines of songs, ideas, concepts, beats, etc.  I have little parts of songs recorded on my iPad.  But the fool is me.  Even if I can write songs, who would want to see ME actually singing them?  Just appearance.  And unfamiliarity.  But what I do is so personal I could never give it off to someone else.  So I sit alone frantically pouring over ideas that will never come true.

I’m not going to play all of this as a pity party, though.  I know I can sing.  I know what I can sing.  I know my vocal range.  And every little thing I write I would be able to sing… well.  And it’s funny, kinda, but the only other person that I would consider handing my songs over to sing is amazing at singing and would actually get what I am trying to say.  And get it right.

Needless to say, I’m gonna try again next Monday to delve into music that makes me feel a certain way.  And why it does.  And you’ll get treated to a little music video, even if it is just lyrics.



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Write About What You Want

A good friend (and wonderful person overall) told me a few months ago that I should write what I want on here.  Whether it be mental illness, fandom, friends, church, anything.  It really hit home.  I’ve been writing mostly about mental illness in this journal because I feel that certain things need to be said and/or clarified.  But this journal doesn’t have to be just that.

So, I’ve decided on giving some days special things to write about.  And believe me, there will be fandom. lol.  I love so many things that I need to share the love.

Hope you all have a great day and stay strong.


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Something 13 Reasons Why Season 2 Dealt With (that we should all know about)

This entry contains imagery and thoughts about rape culture in our society.  If you are sensitive to this topic, please think before reading. 

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My friend on here, The Shameful Narcissist (how does one link to you?!), has blogs with themes.  Meaning, she writes about writing and reading and gaming, etc.  I’m personally wondering if I could ever do anything like that.  I have a nice chunk of things I could definitely put into weekly posts.  

The thing is, I usually write things that are mostly about mental health.  The problem with that whole thing is that there are only so many ways to say “stop the stigma.”  And my knowledge about mental health is what I experience and what some close friends experience.  The other day, I was trying to find other kinds of mental health things I could write about, but those I haven’t done yet are things that I have no experience with, and I’m not about to write about something that I know nothing about.

That’s why my writing has been so sparse.  So, what would you like me to write about?  I have religion, writing, watching, my cats, LJ, art (mostly graphic art), and a few others of which are slipping my mind right now.

So… Either these suggestions or things you may be curious about… Let me know.


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