Self-doubt Again…

I swore that yesterday would be the start of the new blogish stuff that I’m going to be doing on here… and it was Music Monday!  Um… yeah, not so much.  I got a bit (a lot) terrified to express why and how I like the music I do and to put so much stress on music because it’s one of my lifelines…

I actually have partial songs written all over my notebooks… things I want to say through lyrics rather than dialogue.  I’m not saying any of it is good, but I still do it.  I have an actual notebook with all these music ideas in it.  Lines of songs, ideas, concepts, beats, etc.  I have little parts of songs recorded on my iPad.  But the fool is me.  Even if I can write songs, who would want to see ME actually singing them?  Just appearance.  And unfamiliarity.  But what I do is so personal I could never give it off to someone else.  So I sit alone frantically pouring over ideas that will never come true.

I’m not going to play all of this as a pity party, though.  I know I can sing.  I know what I can sing.  I know my vocal range.  And every little thing I write I would be able to sing… well.  And it’s funny, kinda, but the only other person that I would consider handing my songs over to sing is amazing at singing and would actually get what I am trying to say.  And get it right.

Needless to say, I’m gonna try again next Monday to delve into music that makes me feel a certain way.  And why it does.  And you’ll get treated to a little music video, even if it is just lyrics.



About I.V.

38 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have two cats: Zim and Gir... they're 13. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, Good Omens, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Oh, and I love Sushi :)
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5 Responses to Self-doubt Again…

  1. Nicely written! Would love to hear some of your lyrics and the thoughts expressed through them! 😀


  2. And singing too!!


  3. Harley Quinn says:

    Why thank you 🙂 Perhaps one of these days I’ll get to make a nice 30 sec. soundbite to share 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re definitely one of the best singers in my friend circle. I’ve been struggling because the asthma medicine I take messes up my voice even if I rinse my mouth out. It’s frustration not only with singing, but also with audio recordings, since I’ve been working on one for a story. I actually like the way my voice sounds and would love to do voice acting. Since I have things to read and the internet exists, there’s an outlet for it. I do hate having to choose between breathing and talking though. Self-doubt sucks. It’s like even when you KNOW you’re good at something that shit creeps in. I wish I knew what to do to quell it. I try to logic it out that it’s impossible to be objective especially about yourself, and there’s a long history of people praising your voice. That doesn’t really come through when you’re in that doubting phase, though, but if I can distract myself long enough from it, I remember it when I come back out.


  5. Harley Quinn says:

    That was a really nice compliment, thank you 🙂 But yeah.. it sucks. And with you having to choose between breathing and having a certain type of voice… I can’t imagine. It would be like me going “ok, I can sing so well it’s ridiculous, but if I do I can’t breath any other time. And when I take meds for me to breathe, I can’t sing at all.” it’s like… wtf. And I do like your voice when you’ve done voice blogs and posts and stuff.


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