Author’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
My disorders are ridiculously confusing to people because for some odd reason they split anxiety into, like, six or something. Anyway, I’m going to focus on the bipolar part of my Schizoaffective disorder.
I’m sure a nice handful of you know what a mixed episode is. For those who don’t, the easy way to explain it is that it’s a state in Bipolar Disorder that has both depression and mania at the same time. These are definitely the most prevalent of my mood episodes.
Now, there are two ways that could work. You may be on a manic high, impulsive, racing thoughts, spending too much money, etc., but you also have a little bit of depression that argues with mania about how many hours to sleep, if the creativity is pointless, that you should stay home instead of going out. You get my drift.
Then, there’s depression with a nice little destroying cycle of mania. Mania bugs you to get out of bed even if you haven’t even slept for 5 hours. Mania wants you to take a shower, but on nice clothes, do your makeup, and GO OUT. Depression doesn’t want this, and you might get through showering, but the rest is impossible. Then mania turns into rage and/or irritability, so you become the lump beneath your comforter itching to get every once of anger out.
Of course, there is something else to consider. Now, I’ve heard this spoken to me many times, and have experience. The second scenario listed above can have you so depressed and suicidal, but you don’t want to move. When mania comes in, those suicidal thoughts? Yeah… unlike depression mania gives you that little extra push to actually act on those suicidal ideations. This is why the mixed state suicide rate is well above any other mood cycle.
Now, suicidal thoughts and actions are part of a lot of people’s lives, mental illness or not (yes, that means you don’t have to have depression or anxiety or bipolar to think about suicide). When others (who have never thought this way) see depression, they immediately think “suicide” because of that damn thing called stigma. You can have suicidal thoughts with depression, or you have no suicidal thoughts with depression.
Life’s tough for me. As I said, I’m primarily in a mixed episode almost all the time, and it varies depending on what the illness throws at me. I have suicidal thoughts. It’s been this way for years… a lot of years. I have them almost everyday. I’ve even attempted suicide about a handful of times, but the last time was in 2006. I still wonder what would’ve happened if I succeeded. Not where I would go, but what my family would do. But I know that if the thought turns into a plan, I go to the hospital. I DRAG myself there.
Never dismiss thoughts, though, as one tiny thing could happen to make a plan, but you go for it because you don’t have the plan to stop the plan, if that makes sense.
As in the author’s note at the beginning of this entry, please call/text etc. for help if those thoughts are making their way to an actual plan.
Love yourself. Trust at least one person you can talk to about this. You may feel like it, but you’re never alone in this fight.