Now that you’re forgetting things…

I’m honestly not sure whether it’s my meds or my illness that’s made me the way I am right now, but it’s very frustrating.  Five years ago, I wouldn’t even be worried about something like this, but when I was told three years ago that my illness would probably get worse as I got older, I basically ignored it because I didn’t want to think about it.  But here we are…

I sleep late every day, and I don’t mean sleeping in until 10 or 11am, I mean sleeping like the dead until 1 or 2pm, being groggy and unfocused.  I go on the scale and cry.  Then I sit here, sometimes running errands for Babcia, completely miserable and unfocused. At this point of the day, I don’t really have to think about things and I just rest my brain.

It’s at night when things start to give me trouble.  My mom’s home by then, so conversation happens.  I start forgetting words.. even in the middle of a sentence, and I often can’t complete the thought until I find that word I need.  Unfortunately most of the time I can’t remember it, and try to cover it up by saying something else entirely.  Sometimes I remember a half hour later, but the conversation has turned to a different topic and me saying something would be very strange.  But I hold onto that sentence in case the topic comes up again, and when asked something else, I find it very hard to put the original thought to rest, thereby taking forever to answer a simple sentence.

Other times, my head is quite clear and I don’t have to search for words, sentences, or topics.  I finally feel like I’ve gotten it under control.  Until people start asking me what I’m saying.  That they don’t understand me.  I slowly repeat what I said, but then that forgetting thing happens and all I do is want to cry, but I just retreat into myself, embarrassed.

It’s not always bad, though.  About half the time I’m ok.  That’s usually when I’m up to going out to be with people.  When I still might miss a word, but the people I’m with suggest one.  Times when my mother doesn’t have to ask me what I’m saying, and I’m truly happy.  When my head isn’t screaming at me and I’m content.

But those other times… most people don’t understand (and get frustrated when I cancel plans).  Most of the time this happens is because I’m having a very off day and don’t want to explain what’s going on.

All of the medications I’m on I have been on before.  None of them have ever created this mess I’m in right now.  I’m starting to backslide, and that’s the last thing I want to do.  The only good thing is that my mood symptoms seem to have stabilized, and I can’t remember the last time I had a drastic one.

It’s the thought disorder issues that are popping up that make this horrible.  And I don’t know what to do…

About I.V.

37 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar 1 type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have two cats: Zim and Gir... they're 12. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Oh, and I love Sushi :)
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3 Responses to Now that you’re forgetting things…

  1. Do you have chronic fatigue and brain fog? That might be the cause of it, because I have similar things happen to me, too. Where once I could think of a particular word easily and I know I know it, but it’s like the file retrieval system isn’t working right. Does coffee help? Coffee/caffeine helps me think better as well as my amphetamine prescription, but caffeine landed me in the ER last month so I’ve had to be careful. I’ve found that thinking out loud helps tremendously aka talking to myself when I’m alone. It helps when I can hear the thought so I’ll remember it. Oh and I take notes. TONS of notes on my phone. Hell I’ve even started using a cane for stairs. You have the right to use the resources you need to function ❤️

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  2. Harley Quinn says:

    I don’t believe I do, no. Although I do sleep a hell of a lot. I usually don’t get up until past noon unless I have my alarm set. I know I don’t have the brain fog though… I’ve had that before and it sucks. And while it’s mostly about not being able to retrieve words/sentences, the worst are those times when I say something perfectly clear, yet no one else can understand a thing I said.

    I have coffee every day, so there’s no way to know if it helps or not. What happened to get you to the ER?

    Talking out loud doesn’t really help me like it helps you, though. If I can’t say it, I won’t be able to later. It’s very frustrating. But yes, TONS OF NOTES! I usually don’t use my phone, though.. I almost always have some sort of notebook with me because I find it cathartic to actually write. And sometimes I actually take a notebook, write out everything I want to say, and then use it as a reference when I am talking, It’s so frustrating… and apparently a major symptom of my illness.

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  3. When you say it perfectly clear, why can’t people understand? Is it not coming out perfectly clear to them but only to you?

    I think the catalyst was this mint brownie I had the Thursday before combined with the overabundance of coffee I was drinking in order to stay awake/aware enough to edit, plus the amphetamine I take for the same. I woke up early Friday morning with a racing heart and palpitations, which has happened before. It’s annoying; I can’t sleep through it, but it’s usually gone in an hour or two. I was able to go back to sleep, but when I woke up the next morning, my heart was still doing its fluttery thing. This lasted throughout the weekend, and I didn’t go to urgent care because, well, I’m busy with all the things all the time. I told myself if it was still going on on Monday I’d make an appointment first thing, which I did. This was the Monday before Thanksgiving. I got an appointment at 2. When I went to the doctor, they gave me an EKG and I was apparently in aFib 170 which is when your pulse is 170 and you have aFib arrhythmia. They told me I needed to go to the ER in order to get my heart back to normal. I was annoyed that I couldn’t go back to work, but I drove to Chester County. Of course when I get there and THEY do an EKG just static tachycardia around 170 AND the EKG my doctor did never reaches them *sigh* I have to call my dad and brother after calling Fig, so I get to deal with my family being worried about me when I’m pretty much okay/stable ugh. The biggest issue with aFib is your heart is beating so rapidly that you can get blood that swirls in one part that will clot and when you return to normal, it either sends the clot into your brain (stroke) or lungs (embolism). So I haven’t had any coffee since. I’ve cut down on chocolate, and I didn’t take any more of my narcolepsy meds for like a week. I’ve switched to Early Grey which is okay, but not as good as caffeine, and I was supposed to see a cardiologist, but he had to reschedule the first time and then I pushed it back for my own reasons so I’m not going until January 3. In the meantime I bought a pulse oximeter on a friend’s recommendation even before these shenanigans, because sometimes I wonder if I might have POTS, buuuut then sometimes I just wonder if I’m a hypochondriac. There’s been a lot more mental stuff going on, too, which fun *rolls eyes* and I made a deal with someone that if he sees someone next year I will, too. I have a recommendation I need to get. They don’t take insurance, but I do have a flex account through my HRA and I have to do *something*

    Oh I get you. If you can’t say it anyway, it’s not going to help you later. Since you’re having trouble formulating the words. The notes are one of the best ideas ever. It hurts my hand to write now (I have arthritis in my right thumb…right where the pen would rest) so my phone with OneNote is ideal. I get frustrated, too when I think of something good to say later, so I try to think of all contingencies, which is of course impossible.

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