I’m honestly not sure whether it’s my meds or my illness that’s made me the way I am right now, but it’s very frustrating. Five years ago, I wouldn’t even be worried about something like this, but when I was told three years ago that my illness would probably get worse as I got older, I basically ignored it because I didn’t want to think about it. But here we are…
I sleep late every day, and I don’t mean sleeping in until 10 or 11am, I mean sleeping like the dead until 1 or 2pm, being groggy and unfocused. I go on the scale and cry. Then I sit here, sometimes running errands for Babcia, completely miserable and unfocused. At this point of the day, I don’t really have to think about things and I just rest my brain.
It’s at night when things start to give me trouble. My mom’s home by then, so conversation happens. I start forgetting words.. even in the middle of a sentence, and I often can’t complete the thought until I find that word I need. Unfortunately most of the time I can’t remember it, and try to cover it up by saying something else entirely. Sometimes I remember a half hour later, but the conversation has turned to a different topic and me saying something would be very strange. But I hold onto that sentence in case the topic comes up again, and when asked something else, I find it very hard to put the original thought to rest, thereby taking forever to answer a simple sentence.
Other times, my head is quite clear and I don’t have to search for words, sentences, or topics. I finally feel like I’ve gotten it under control. Until people start asking me what I’m saying. That they don’t understand me. I slowly repeat what I said, but then that forgetting thing happens and all I do is want to cry, but I just retreat into myself, embarrassed.
It’s not always bad, though. About half the time I’m ok. That’s usually when I’m up to going out to be with people. When I still might miss a word, but the people I’m with suggest one. Times when my mother doesn’t have to ask me what I’m saying, and I’m truly happy. When my head isn’t screaming at me and I’m content.
But those other times… most people don’t understand (and get frustrated when I cancel plans). Most of the time this happens is because I’m having a very off day and don’t want to explain what’s going on.
All of the medications I’m on I have been on before. None of them have ever created this mess I’m in right now. I’m starting to backslide, and that’s the last thing I want to do. The only good thing is that my mood symptoms seem to have stabilized, and I can’t remember the last time I had a drastic one.
It’s the thought disorder issues that are popping up that make this horrible. And I don’t know what to do…