Why I sometimes can’t understand Major Depressive Disorder

Before I start, if any of you have MDD, I’m far from trying to make it a “less” or “fixable” mental illness.  Extreme respect to you.  You’re going through so much.  I just wanted to try to explain why I sometimes don’t relate.

I have Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar type, GAD, Panic Disorder, and Social Anxiety.  I usually end up focusing on the most prominent symptom I’m having at the time.  Usually it’s the thought disorder (with hallucinations) and Bipolar mixed states.  I do still get Manic.  I still get depressed.  I still have major anxiety problems.

So you may be confused as to why I sometimes can’t understand.  Thing is, the bipolar part of my disorder is  ultra-rapid cycling.  I’ve been through all kinds of extreme mood swings, but I take medication for it now.  When I get depressed, I do experience the soul-crushing weight of living.  I forget about hygiene, and it’s very hard to get out of bed, let alone face the day.  I’m sure you’re confused.

Thing is, yes, I experience depression, and those times I can identify with it.  But since it lasts such a short time in me, I’ve grown to know that it will end.  It’s what keeps me going.  I can’t fool myself, however, because I also have suicidal thoughts to go along with all of this.

Therefore, there is a difference in how I experience depression and how those with MDD experience it.  But I have enough “short” stays inside depression to at least try to help… or just even be there for the person.

So when I say I don’t understand, it’s more like a thought saying “how can they still survive when it goes on too long?  I can’t even completely deal with my short-term depression.”  Even though I can’t understand all the time, I believe those suffering with MDD (coupled with anxiety most of the time), are so incredibly strong.  When people find out about my illness (after the awkward phase of walking on eggshells), they commend me for dealing with it.  Those of you with MDD, though, have the most prominent mental illness and you get dismissed because people think it’s not serious.

It is.  And even though I may not completely understand it, I see all of you as warriors.

About I.V.

38 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have two cats: Zim and Gir... they're 13. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, Good Omens, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Oh, and I love Sushi :)
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6 Responses to Why I sometimes can’t understand Major Depressive Disorder

  1. You’re used to it. It’s your normal. I think because you go between highs and lows and the depression isn’t consistent for you, it’s harder to get into that head space. It’s the one I generally live in. Right now I’m not particularly depressed (though if I spend any more time on Facebook reading shitty comments I will be), but it’s aleays there behind a wall or the two songs I have stuck in my head or my to-do list. It’s just something you learn to live with.


  2. Harley Quinn says:

    Yes, I suppose so. When I first had to deal with being mentally ill, I had severe depression for almost 2 years. But that was over 20 years ago, and I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be like that constantly.

    Facebook sucks. I’m so done with it. Wrote a post yesterday about how we don’t even know how to converse outside of online anymore. Like, people hide behind their computer and feel like they can treat people like shit.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yeah, the anonymity gives people keyboard muscles. It’s because you can forget that there’s a person on the other side, and if you’re not empathetic, you don’t think/care what your words might do to someone.


  4. I have MDD, and Its never ending. Some days I can function okay, other days I spend in a blanket watching Netflix. I have tried so many different things, the klonopin helps the cycling thoughts that make me depressed, but as far as a good day..that just means I functioned like I was supposed to instead of making up a million excuses.


  5. Harley Quinn says:

    Some of my friends have MDD. It’s hard to function, I know. That’s why I wonder how anyone could deal with it all the time. My short little spurts are completely soul-crushing, but I always know deep down that it will pass. Those with MDD can’t see that hope. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The funny thing is I am technically gifted as well.. and even funnier, I have a hard time understanding bi-polar because of the manias. My mom has it..I can’t imagine feeling on top of the world one minute and then like you just can’t go on the next… I hate how my intelligence (4 years of college) is being wasted because I literally never know how I will feel tomorrow… will I be okay…or will I be so riddled with panic and anxiety that I will hide away from the world… yep…makes it hard to hold down a job.


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