I have Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar type, General Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and Panic Disorder. Let’s just say I have a dysfunctional party in my head.
Some people call me “High Functional.” Yes, I do not look like I have anything wrong with me. That doesn’t mean that I’m “High Functioning” (hf for the rest), I can assure you that with all the things going on in my head, that’s the last thing I am.
I may look relaxed. Comfortable almost. Sitting alone, reading my assignment for class. …. I have read the same page at least ten times. I’m convinced there’s a buzz saw nearby. I wonder if the people across the room know how loud they’re talking. I’m remembering how I’m running for president next year, and make a note to remove all identifying information in my life, but I’m not sure if I can seal my mental health records under an alias. I’m not exactly sure where I am, and those fucking people across the room are getting even louder. I’m tempted to walk over to them and demand they don’t speak so loud. But since I don’t know where I am, I’m not even sure if there are glass panels keeping me from going over there. Oh shit, there are glass panels! I should try to see if they break. I’m already attached to the chair though. Ok, reading… that’s what I have to do.
Sounds interesting, right? And I’m alone. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with me. Why am I not freaking the hell out?
Then, I’m miraculously at the supermarket and I’ve forgotten my list, so I go isle by isle. I wonder if people can hear my heart beating. Ok…too fast..too fast. Breathe. I’m in isle 7. Do I go to 6 or 8 next? Ooh… candy. Why is that woman walking towards me? I need to go… now.
Yeah… don’t think I’ve gotten much of anything. Did I go back? Sure! But not that day. I’m really curious what that woman wanted.
I’m sitting in some kind of cubicle, looking at the screen very intensely. Stacks of papers are on the desk beside me… or they’re on the floor. I think there’s something wrong with the computer… it keeps buzzing, but when I hit it it stops. Then starts. The images melt together on the screen. What was I supposed to be doing? When is it due? I hope I didn’t miss the deadline. I’m screwed if I did. That damn buzzing keeps on going. I think I have a hammer… why do I have so many erasers?
Oh, no one is there. Everyone is looking at me. Shrink! Hide!
The computer bings. Another email. That makes 749. Group lunch? Nonono.
“Where is the report from last Friday?”
“Hey, I have an appointment to go to. Can you cover me?”
“Harleeeeey….. boy, you’re really out of it today.”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
They hate you here. How many times does this make? Six? … no, seven.
You know they only give out the gray socks on floor 7.
It’s okay… I’ll just fly there.