Just something I needed to say for awhile.
*note, if you follow my blog and I know you IRL, the negative stuff doesn’t include you. you’re awesome!
I love you so much! We’re closer than we’ve ever been. Thank you for supporting me through my mental health journey. I know it’s been hard on you, but you were there when things were at the lowest. You were also there to hold my head up after a crash from mania, and worry about me when mania is all I know.
But there’s one thing that you’ve done that upsets me. You monitor how many meds I’m on, and feel you have the right to tell me that I’m on too many of them. Recently, I got fed up and got out my med container. I made sure that you know of the meds that I have different milligrams. I then tell you what each med is for. You get surprised that I wasn’t on a high number of meds, but most of the time I take different mgs.
I shouldn’t have to do this. You should trust that a medical doctor, who happens to be a psychiatrist, wouldn’t put me on so many meds where I lose my identity. I know that we’ve had bad times with medication side effects, but I wouldn’t give up. I know that one med kept me in the hospital for over a week. But trust me… my psychiatrist I have right now is the best I’ve ever seen. Every session we go through how I’ve been feeling, he checks about recent med changes, and if they aren’t working we (together) make the ultimate choice.
You’ve given me years of happiness, and I’m ever so grateful for that (and that you embraced me soon after first meeting you). I loved the parties, the brunches, the days I would come to hang out with you while watching Netflix, and many others. Thank you for standing by me regardless of what I was dealing with.
Now, however, I’m left out of small get togethers, when the diner got changed to whatever day, no one has invited me (and yes, I do know it still happens… I read Facebook). I know some things are partially my fault too, so I hope you understand that.
When my diagnoses changed, many of you didn’t know what to do or say, and the disorder had “schizo” in it. I hope you know that I’ve been crushed for years bc mental illness is a scary thing.
So, I isolated myself. I didn’t get texts and I didn’t send texts. A handful of you “left” and came back. I recognize that you my have had a hard time to completely accept what was going on, but you realized I needed you. You’re my heroes.
To everyone who was afraid, didn’t know what to do, or didn’t fit their mold that they had created for “friendship,” I won’t necessary go out of my way to talk to you, but I’ll still like and comment your posts in Facebook, and would still give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. But some you are toxic and I’ll stay away from you because of my health.
I’m pretty ok right now. I go to Sunday worship, which helps me see that I can only have Jesus in my life right now. I’ve always identified as a Christian since 2009, even though I probably sinned more in 2010 than I ever thought existed. This year has been amazing, though. I’ve praised and prayed every day, and I feel lighter than ever. I actually started going to church regularly last fall. Before that, I would stop and say hello, be welcomed back, and then stopped going again. It’s different this time. I feel more connected.
Saying that, we’ll still be friends on Facebook, I may go to 1 or 2 parties in a year, but I honestly don’t feel “happy” when I do go. So I’m spending time with Jesus rather than go to a party where everyone drinks and will tell you that they love you when they’re officially completely drunk. That’s not love..
So, forgive me, but I’m still going to follow the Lord. I don’t hate you, or dislike you, but I need time to digest all of this myself. I’ll still be around to have a bite to eat or learn how to make slideshows in windows movie maker (heh). Above all else, I will respect your beliefs if you respect mine.