The “little” Mental Illness that my Schizoaffective Disorder drags behind it


Panic Disorder

Social Anxiety

Selective Agoraphobia

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

This has been the verse in the bible that people tell me about.  Every time I let out an anxious thought, it’s brought up again.  And again.  I’ve read it.  I know it.  I personally read it if I wake up anxious or find myself at the brink of a panic attack.  I read it if I’m afraid to go out of my house, when I can’t shower, when seeing anyone else terrifies me.  And yes, I believe them.  But my illness does not.  Even after I read the verse, start to feel invincible because God is in control, it sneaks in at that tiny hole at the bottom of the wall.  The wall that was stronger than anything.  The wall that is God, that would prevent anything even close to anxiety to get through.  A tiny hole.  One that no one would even be able to see.

So, I will keep reading.  I will keep up due diligence.  But I also need to face that sometimes the wall still let’s it in, and I need to know how to deal with it.  I need the coping skills.  I need to be able to find someone where I am that I can talk to to forget about what’s happening in my brain (or someone who understands what’s happening in my brain).  I’ve already been talking to God.  I think that I can talk to two at the same time.  And, well, I believe that the people who help keep me strong are put there by God Himself.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

I’m actually getting a tattoo that has the verse in 2 Timothy incorporated.

You see… it’s everywhere in the bible.  There are at least 30 verses that I can put my finger on.  What does this tell me?  That anxiety was around for a LONG time.  People had been dealing with it… or why else would there be so many verses about it?

My “main” mental illness gets prayed about, but astonishing as it is, most pray for the right doctors, the right medications, the right thing to come along to ease my mind.  I suppose Schizoaffective Disorder isn’t addressed.  But the tattoo with the 2 Timothy verse helps there too… “a sound mind”

“’For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  Do not be afraid, for I myself will help you,’ declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.” Isaiah 41:13-14

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” Romans 8:38-39

I’m going back to school for a fall semester.. I start on August 28th.  I’m going for a degree in Christian counseling.  I will have all these Bible verses in my armory.  But I will also have the experience of 21 years of torment.  And I’ll have child and adolescent psychology classes to know how to treat those who are younger.  I do not know, however, if it will be ok to talk to parents about trying medication.  And I HOPE I will be taught about the more difficult illnesses, like my own.  With those it’s a very slippery slope.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

So I will go, both with my “big” illness and my “little” illness to try and find balance between what I have been through and what I will be taught.

By the way…. both of my illnesses are “big.”

About I.V.

38 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have two cats: Zim and Gir... they're 13. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, Good Omens, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Oh, and I love Sushi :)
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