When I found myself again

It had been years… six to be exact, when I last had a grip on who I really was.  Those six years were hard.  New diagnosis, med changes, hospital stays (both psych ward and general medical reasons), loss of contact, my best friend moving away, weight gain, isolation….. it was definitely not pretty.  I kept being invited to things, and kept not going, and when I found out that there was a party and no one invited me, I seriously had a breakdown.  One that was so bad that my dad had to intervene.  At the end of all that, I realized that I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway.  It was just the lack of invite made me think of someone who used to come to all the parties, stopped bc she lived further away (or something), and was completely dropped from every invite list. I was terrified that it was going to happen to me, but I had no way to stop myself.

I isolated.  I talked to about 4 or 5 people.  One person who I thought I would never not text (actually two people), for some reason, I stopped bc I was just getting farther and farther withdrawn.  I did try to remedy those situations, and feel like I have come a long way.  But still… nervous, anxious, depressed, psychotic, a bout of mania that left my bank account ruined and my credit cards shut down.  My credit went down almost 70 points the next month.

Slowly I started feeling more connected though.  Something was putting me back together.  I would still get amazingly anxious the day of parties, and would leave it to the last minute to decide whether I was going to go or not.  And I think this past New Years that I just spent with three other friends was a big turning point for me.

So this past Saturday was a 4th of July party.  I got the invite and was genuinely excited to go.  I said maybe bc I might have another party that day and if so had to figure out times.  Usually I put maybe because of those last minute decisions.  So Saturday had arrived.  I woke up, had my cereal,showered, ran some errands, ended up staring at the torrential rainstorm from inside a Walmart until I couldn’t take it anymore and got soaked.  Waited until the storm passed to re-wash my hair (afterwards, I thought that was ridiculous, and I just could’ve dried my hair again).  Then, I loaded up my car and drove.  Halfway there and I noticed that I hadn’t been anxious, doubtful, trying to force myself to go, or actually feeling sick bc of my endless back and forth emotions.  I just knew what I was going to do that day and kept on moving.  It seemed like I arrived so quickly after that.  I pulled in.  No anxiety.  Got all the stuff from my car.  No doubt. And started walking up to where the party was centralized.

So many people came up to me, hugged me, told me how glad they were to see me, etc.  I was genuine in all my responses… I wasn’t putting on an act.  It was SO long since I felt this way at a party (and no, I do not count a few 4th of July’s ago when I got wasted).  I was just flitting around like a butterfly, talking to everyone.  I didn’t look at my watch even once, until people started to leave.  And I realized I had been there for three hours and it flt like 10 minutes.  I once again felt what it was like before those 6 years.  And when people were leaving and hugged me goodbye, many said that they hadn’t seen me so happy for a long time.  When I left, I was still smiling.

I know that what happened is no guarantee that it’s going to happen again.  It would be foolish to think that six years of panic and isolation could just up and leave so sudden.  But I like the fact that I had this moment and can remember how wonderful it felt.  When I’m down, I can bring this memory up.  And to all those who know that I kinda attach myself to, were happy for me too.

Thank you, to everyone there.  And thank God that I saw a glimpse of myself again.

About I.V.

37 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar 1 type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have two cats: Zim and Gir... they're 12. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Oh, and I love Sushi :)
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5 Responses to When I found myself again

  1. Masja says:

    That is so good to hear!

    #AKF

    💖

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was actually shocked there was zero drama (there’s usually a little). For some reason whenever I go to parties there though I get so anxious before getting out of the car. It happened again on Saturday. I almost started crying but I managed to pull myself together. I have to find someone I know to talk to, because the I don’t want to wonder what the people staring at my approach are thinking. It’s weird because I’ve never had more confidence (hard won as it were), but I’m still afraid of judgment tearing down what may just be a paper wall.

    I’m glad you made it out and had a good time though 😊

    Like

  3. Harley Quinn says:

    yes, I totally understand where you’re coming from, especially about finding someone I know to talk to…. it makes me feel safer and less judged. One time I legit wanted to go to a party, but you, Fig, Matt, Lauren, and Ian weren’t going. There was no way I was going to leave the house. Saturday was a complete shock to me. Even Phil was super nice to me. I wasn’t sure what to say.

    All I know was that it had been so long since I felt comfortable at a party that I enjoyed it as much as I could.

    I wish I could help you with how you feel, since I 100% understand, but I couldn’t even find my way out of that dark hole. Just know that I will text you if I’m definitely going to a party so you’ll have someone you know there to chill with.

    *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Harley Quinn says:

    Thank you hun! Sorry I didn’t see this comment until now… it seems that I only see comments from people I’ve previously approved. Was digging around and saw this. I should see any of your comments on the main page now! 😊

    Like

  5. Once I was there and talking to someone, I was fine, but it was just that initial step.

    Like

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