I’m sure a lot of people deal with things that they may regret, and I know there are people who say they don’t regret, but learn from their mistakes.  I’m usually of the later and choose to learn from my experiences… except one.

At one time in the past, I was fluctuating between manic, hypomanic, and mixed episodes.  It was almost inevitable that I would do something bad.  The mixed episodes were the hardest to deal with, and that was the prevailing state when it happened.

I didn’t have any self-worth.  I was, clearly, on the wrong medications.  And the depression part of a mixed state hit me hard before and after.  So, when someone tells me something good about me or they notice my appearance positively, I suck it up like a sponge.

That is what happened.  While I was on an emotional roller coaster, one night my life changed.  Slowly I became addicted.  My self-worth was hanging by a thread that someone else held.  I became not just addicted, but literally thought that without this in my life I would crash (I did).  Dependency isn’t a strong enough a word to describe it.  But, I was quite happy.

Now, however, I feel sick when I remember.  I continue to think that I was totally being used.  I hung in the balance… barely.  But for a couple of years I just thought of it as something in my life that happened.  Then (as stated above) when I stopped, I flew into a depressive state that was the most horrible I’d ever had.  But I smiled.  I told no one about the crash, just changed the subject when it got too close.

I was in this depression for years.  Some days I would feel fine.  The next day I would struggle just to leave my room.  Mixed states popped up randomly, then went away.  When I did tell someone how I was feeling, I got told that I needed a hobby.  And one time someone said that I didn’t know how good I had it, and I had no right to feel the way I did.  And of course in between and during all of this I had to deal with hallucinations.


So… yes.  You can have things in your life that you regret.  It doesn’t have to be swept under a rug and forgotten.  That’s what I did for years.  Only this year is when I realized that I had put myself into an awful place.  I don’t tell anyone how I feel now.  I just have to live my life, and I hope that one day I can say I learned from it.

(sorry about being vague, but I don’t know who reads this journal, other than those that follow me.  It does come up about 7-8 pages into searches.  I can’t risk it.)

About I.V.

38 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have two cats: Zim and Gir... they're 13. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, Good Omens, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Oh, and I love Sushi :)
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