Sometimes I Hide

Most of the people who know me in real life and online will probably agree that I’m an over sharer.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and completely break down at least once a month.  I don’t attend parties sometimes because I scared of having a panic attack.

Ok, back on track… almost all of my friends and family know I have a mental illness.  Don’t worry, I won’t give anyone my life story when I first meet them.  It definitely does  take time… unless other people spread it around.  When I feel comfortable with you and consider you my friend, I will tell you.

So, why, do you ask, do I share this side of me.  Because I feel that it is better to nip things at the bud instead of having this amazing friendship with someone and them finding out when I go to the hospital, or see my medication container, or many other things.  I did hide once with a friendship and when I told them about it, they got upset bc they thought we could share everything.  I want to avoid this in the future.  So, I make sure that if you’re a good friend I will tell you bc I don’t want that situation to happen again.  If you turn your backs on me or make fun of me, you weren’t destined to be my friend, and I accept that.

Then, my diagnoses changed.  All of my friends were told that I have Bipolar 1.  The entire diagnoses is Bipolar 1 with psychotic features.  So, I suppose I understand how you are trying to cope with the psychosis part of my illness, when you never new I had been suffering with it since I was 15.  At first I told a handful of friends about the new diagnosis and that I had the most horrible social anxiety that was keeping me home even though I wanted to go out.  I was going to tell people slowly, and at my own pace.  Someone, however, told all of my friends with their bias clouding the truth.

You probably think that I shouldn’t let people know anymore. I can’t do that.  I need to make sure that the person or people I let in don’t care about what my illness is called, and that they will always be there.  I HAVE found a few, but mostly, I’m left to a small group of friends that are the most amazing people I’ve ever met.  I’m ok with that.  Quality over quantity.  It’s been a punch in my gut dealing with things, but when I started following that, I realized that I do have some wonderful friends.

And it’s not just with my friends.  It’s with the world.  I do not look like I have a mental illness, no matter how severe it actually is.  That is due to the ridiculous amount of medications I take (if you want to know, it’s 7).  Of course, a lot of people have told me that they want proof bc they didn’t believe me.  That is a horrible feeling. And it just goes to show that stigma runs rampant within the mental health community.

So, I do not hide.  If you are uncomfortable with me or what I say, you have the right to feel that way, but I probably won’t go to you for advice, and you probably will not get texts or phone calls from me.

I tried lying once to certain people bc I didn’t want to hear what they had to say about me.  Of course, the cat came out of the bag, I ended up being completely nuerotic about it and I stayed in my bed for three days.  If I had been honest with this person from the beginning, I would have known what to expect.  Another reason why hiding isn’t good for me.

Of course, there are times I have to shut up about it, like at work or with relatives I don’t really know.  I generally just stay quiet just so I won’t be judged.

So do whatever you feel is best for you.  My approach will not work for everyone, and I realize that.  Some people are surrounded by people who will become harsh and ridicule them.  Others will have people that blatantly ignore it.  My only hope is that somehow, someday, we won’t be so afraid.

About I.V.

38 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have two cats: Zim and Gir... they're 13. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, Good Omens, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Oh, and I love Sushi :)
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2 Responses to Sometimes I Hide

  1. You are braver than I am. Although I write about it on my blog, I’ve only shared with a very few close friends – less than half a dozen. But then I only consider very few people to be very close friends. Others I consider to be acquaintances, and I don’t reveal my life to everyone. And I didn’t “come out of the closet” online about my bipolar illness until very recently. That was due to the stigma and shame of it all. Now, online at least, I’m an open book, and use my blog as a journal for my illness and my faith.

    As for you – YOU GO, GIRL! ❤


  2. Harley Quinn says:

    Thank you so much! I understand that it’s difficult to share such information freely. I had been hiding at the beginning. I didn’t even think of the stigma when i came out. I was always ridiculed my whole life. But if I told people, I could help fight the stigma. My hope is that one day there won’t be a reason to hide.

    Liked by 1 person

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