Well, yesterday it was at 5am and today at 2am… the times I woke up for the day. It’s really very frustrating to me considering the cocktail of meds I take before I go to bed that should knock out a horse. Yet here I am at 2am with my mind abuzz and ready to take on anything to world has to offer. What sucks about 2am is that there is no life within my house or within my town right now. It all comes down to posting things such as this on the internet and freeing myself from all the thoughts whizzing around in my head.
I’m slightly afraid that I’m having a mixed episode because overall I’ve been depressed for the last month or so. But getting 4 hours of sleep and feeling fine aren’t the signs of a just depressed woman. The mixed episodes are what I hate the most because they bring on a level of psychosis that I can’t even put into words. I’m glad I’m on my two anti-psychotics right now… otherwise I might be in the hospital.
It’s also with these episodes where I feel the need to harm myself. I end up not doing it because I have coping skills, but in all honesty if I didn’t have those I’d have even newer scars on my body than 10+ years old. But it builds up these thoughts in the brain that I can’t control, and I end up not cutting, but doing something else that might harm me. Especially taking too many pills so my brain is in a fog. But I’m NOT doing that right now because I’m not there yet. I see my psychiatrist next Thursday, so if I can hold out until then I will be okay.
You see, I’ve always had sleep problems, and they’re the first indicator of a mood swing. If I go to bed at 10 and wake up at 8, I’m usually stable. It’s still 10 hours of sleep, but my body needs more sleep than usual, so I count getting up at 8am a victory. When depressed I go to bed at 9 and don’t wake up until noon the next day. And when I’m starting a manic episode I usually only need 2-6 hours of sleep. Last night I got 6. Tonight I got 4.
But nothing is unpleasant yet, so I’m just gonna go with the flow and see what turns up. If I truly felt like it I could clean my room, but I like to be respectful to my babcia (grandmother) and not blare music at 3am while I clean my room. I could totally do it if I was living by myself, but because of my circumstances I live with my mom and babcia. Might be a project for today though, if I don’t get too depressed.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It’s good to get some things off my chest once in awhile.