Bipolar type of Schizoaffective Disorder – What it Means

No one understands what it’s like to have Schizoaffective Disorder, or even Bipolar disorder, unless you’ve lived it.  The isolation one feels is overwhelming – so much that it consumes every waking moment.  We have to ask ourselves constantly whether what we are doing is normal… or are we falling into depression or facing the euphoria of mania or heading into the abyss of psychosis.  Social cues are lost as we’re consumed by thinking about ourselves.

 

So please forgive us if we’re selfish.  Please understand that it really isn’t about you… it’s completely us.  Consequences hold no meaning, even though we know the rule that everything we do affects everyone else.  We think about that too… hurting the one’s we love.  We don’t want to.  We hate it.  We feel like burdens.  Just know that in the throws of madness, depression, or panic, we fight to gain control… we mean no harm to you.  We love you above all else.

 

Step into our shoes for a minute.  See the all-powerful wave of depression crash over you.  You feel hopeless, worthless sometimes.  The things you once loved are no longer fun or entertaining.  You withdraw into yourself, ignoring all the people around you in favor of your bed.  You can’t concentrate.  You can’t work.  You’re so exhausted by life that even basic hygiene is a chore.  It crushes you beneath a weight so great it sees impossible that you will never get out from under it.

 

Then there’s the mania.  It starts out feeling good.  You have ideas upon ideas and don’t seem to have enough time in the day to get them all done.  The weight of depression and the burden of the world is simply gone.  Then suddenly so is your bank account.  You’ve maxed out your credit cards.  You’ve failed to keep enough money to even pay your rent or mortgage.  But you keep spending, buying things you don’t need but HAVE to have.  You get irritable.  The world is moving too slow for you, and your bed is now your worst enemy.  The thoughts spin around so quickly you can’t keep up with them.  You don’t eat.  You become fascinated with things like religion or mathematics.  Your brain shuts down while you keep going, not knowing what you are doing.

 

When it gets really bad, you experience psychosis, either in mania or depression, or even when your mood is normal.  Delusions.  Hallucinations.  Things seem completely real.  You disassociate and either focus all your energy on the insane thoughts in your head or spend the whole time terrified by them.  Psychosis causes mental breakdowns, and it’s true it’s more common in mania or when your mood is normal.  Any way, your world is turned upside down and you believe everything that’s going on inside your head.

 

That is what it’s like.  Keeping constant tabs on your mood so that you don’t fall victim to one of these debilitating extremes or crippling psychosis.  We are on a cocktail of meds… sometimes the only thing keeping us sane.  Pure torture is a phrase that comes to mind when dealing with our own heads.  It is unforgiving.

 

And then you say not to talk about it… that it makes people uncomfortable.  That it decreases our chances of keeping friends, roommates, jobs.  You say that we’re on too many meds and that’s what’s making us crazier.  No matter how we describe our disease though, you still will never get it… never realize the full impact of what we go through.

 

I refuse to not talk about it, though.   I have many friends, all who know about my disorder.  I refuse to hide.  I refuse to let society judge me because I’m sick.  I might be on the brink of breakdowns, but it won’t help if I hide it.

 

I refuse to live my life in the shadows.

About I.V.

37 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar 1 type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have two cats: Zim and Gir... they're 12. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Oh, and I love Sushi :)
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33 Responses to Bipolar type of Schizoaffective Disorder – What it Means

  1. Jipsi Harris says:

    This is so well written and so accurate to what living with bipolar disorder is like. Thank you.!

    Like

  2. Jipsi Harris says:

    Reblogged this on Jipolar and commented:
    There’s no way that I could even try to describe what it’s like living with this illness any better than this!

    Like

  3. brightonbipolar says:

    This could have been written by me! and describes my feelings exactly. Reblogging this on Brightonbipolar

    Like

  4. brightonbipolar says:

    Reblogged this on Brighton Bipolar and commented:
    An excellent post which describes my feelings and thoughts about psychosis a lot better that I could.

    Like

  5. tracihalpin says:

    Awesome! Secrets keep us sick. I had to stop working and I went to my job to tell the staff I wasn’t coming back. I was so worried what they would think. Then someone said screw it, just go in there and be like Yea I have bipolar any questions? So I did. I also refuse to stay quiet. I have learned that it’s important to wait to share it with new people because they have to earn my trust.

    Like

  6. Elle says:

    My brother has schizoaffective bipolar disorder. He never would take medication. He’s 45 now, and is fully delusional about 95% of the time. I feel worse for him when he’s lucid because then the depression hits and he realizes he’s not ok. He talks to invisible people all the time. They tell him terrible things about us. ..his family. Those things resonate as real memories to him. Even when he’s lucid, those things come up, but he doesn’t understand that he hallucinated them. Anyway…it’s a horrible disease and it should be talked about. It’s nothing anyone should be ashamed of. If a leg is broken, does society shame us for wearing a cast? No. And neither should anyone be made to feel ashamed of having a mental illness.

    Like

  7. Adrian says:

    None of us should have to hide. Very good post.

    Like

  8. brightonbipolar says:

    You’ve been awarded the ‘Helping Hand’ blogging award!
    https://brightonbipolar.wordpress.com/2015/07/28/award-insanity

    Like

  9. Pingback: Bipolar type of Schizoaffective Disorder – What it Means | twosidesofdonny

  10. -j says:

    thank you so much!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. -j says:

    yes, earning trust is a big thing. but it gets really complicated if you’re trying to get into a romantic relationship because how long is too long of not telling someone. if i just meet someone though they rarely know because i don’t portray any traits outwards.

    Like

  12. -j says:

    thank you so much! i was shocked to see how many views i’ve had of it. must’ve gotten reblogged a few times lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. -j says:

    thank you! i’m glad people can relate. and thanks SO much for the reblog!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. -j says:

    thank you for sharing your story about your brother. when i was at the worst of it with my delusions i thought demons were chasing me and wanted to take my soul away. when i was 15 i heard voices telling me all my friends hated me and that i shouldn’t trust them. in a way i’m lucky because i’m lucid more than i am in psychosis, but that’s thanks to all the drugs i’m on. does your brother take medication?

    Liked by 1 person

  15. tracihalpin says:

    I totally agree with you. I had a boyfriend a few years ago and I told him after a month. He said it was ok bc he loved me. But he had no idea what it meant until we planned to get married and then I broke up with him. I find I start to unravel if I date…..sucks.

    Like

  16. -j says:

    No, I feel the same way when I date. It tends to put too much pressure on me. I often tell people I date only after a few interactions about what I have because I don’t want to get too attached to someone and then find out my mental illness is a deal breaker.

    Like

  17. tracihalpin says:

    Makes sense. Sometimes it feels like I can’t date or be around men bc flirting is like having that first drink. My brain starts getting stimulated and I’m thinking about sex! It’s like I need to stay away from these situations. But what kind of life is that?

    Like

  18. -j says:

    it’s true. although because of my one med altering one hormone, i rarely think about sex. but before that med… absolutely! i CRAVED it when around men. drinking is one thing, but to stop being around the opposite sex is another. maybe somehow you have to reprogram yourself to think of dating instead of sex while around men. i know it’s hard, but a try is worth it!

    Like

  19. tracihalpin says:

    I would like to do that. It is hard but I will keep trying. Thanks!

    Like

  20. tracihalpin says:

    I asked the dr if he could give me a med for this issue and he said we make adjustments as symptoms appear. I had lithium once which made me a slug and I felt like I was not living. It also made me sick so we had to stop it.

    Like

  21. -j says:

    i was in the hospital for about 2 weeks bc of lithium! The drug that’s making me lose my sex drive is risperdal, but it’s an anti-psychotic.

    Like

  22. -j says:

    anytime!

    Like

  23. tracihalpin says:

    Oh ok I take seroquel which is also an anti psychotic and when I get hypersexual I take extra and the urges go away.

    Like

  24. Elle says:

    No. He has refused to take medication from Day 1.
    If you all have to suffer with this diseases, it would be lovely if those voices were encouraging or happy in some way. I don’t understand why they always have to be so evil and cruel.
    I’m glad you have enough insight into your illness to take your meds. I know that it’s been like watching my brother getting sucked into a black hole since the onset of his illness. You have a beautiful voice with which to speak on the subject and I’m so happy that you do. It’s meaningful. I just hope you know that.

    Like

  25. -j says:

    yeah… anti psychotics up ones prolactin levels which reduces libido

    Like

  26. -j says:

    Thank you very much for the compliments. I’m sure you’ve tried everything to get him to take meds, so I have no suggestions for that unfortunately. I know what you mean about the voices being so evil and cruel… they’re hardly ever nice (although I’ve experienced that 1 time). I wish all the luck with your brother and will keep you and him in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Elle says:

    Thank you, sugar. I hate myself for the way I feel about him sometimes. I understand his illness, but I don’t. When I read things like you posted, I get it. I’m going to show it to my mom the next time I visit her in a couple of weeks. I think it’ll help her the way it did me.
    Take good care. You, too, are in my thoughts.

    Like

  28. -j says:

    I’m so glad you got something out of this post… I truly am. It got you to see your brother’s illness through someone who’s been there. I hope it helps your mom out too. Take care, Jenn

    Liked by 1 person

  29. tracihalpin says:

    Oh ok. I’m taking prozac too which might be part of problem. I took it many years ago and it was stimulating.

    Like

  30. -j says:

    Yeah… prozac doesn’t work well with me. It actually started making me manic and everything. It is very stimulating.

    Like

  31. tracihalpin says:

    Yes!!! I’m calling my dr to wean off.
    Thanks! !!

    Like

  32. -j says:

    just make sure you’re doing what’s best for YOU, not just what’s best for me 🙂

    Like

  33. tracihalpin says:

    Got it! Thanks!

    Like

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