What I Miss in My Life

I’ve been thinking really hard these past few days about what I miss about my life after I developed this social anxiety that I have right now, and I made a list, so here it is:

  • Getting random text messages in the middle of the day
  • Driving 5 minutes around the corner to hang out with friends
  • Driving 20 minutes down 401 to hang out with friends
  • Staying up to binge-watch tv
  • Deciding on who’s going to be paying for the night’s take-out dinner
  • Going out to West Chester just to hang out and go to the bars
  • Being invited along to outings
  • Driving to a friend’s house to watch tv since you haven’t seen something important
  • Going to the diner every week and feeling like I can stay there longer than an hour
  • Not being afraid to car pool because I was the one that was there all night
  • Not being ostracized by a group of people that I once loved (and still do)
  • Being able to go to a party for longer than 2 hours
  • Feeling as though my opinion mattered
  • Not being a pity case
  • Going out and doing fun things in the middle of the day
  • Going out to see a movie just to do something
  • Not feeling trapped in my own house
  • Reading a book
  • Being able to create poetry, no matter how shitty it actually was lol
  • Having more than one friend that understands you
  • Not crying while writing a list like this because you feel so alone

Those are just a few things I miss.  It’s been so hard lately to marry the fact that I have social anxiety to the real life needs of having friends and a social life.  And that’s what makes me depressed.  I don’t even feel if I suddenly got over my social anxiety that I would have a social life anymore.  It’s pretty sad.

But with all that said, I still have my family who have taken care of me in the last couple of years immensely.  So for that I am grateful.  I just wish I had the life I deserve to have.

About I.V.

37 year old woman with Schizoaffective, Bipolar 1 type. I'm also intelligent, mostly positive, fandom junkie. Oh, and I have two cats: Zim and Gir... they're 12. So... fandom junkie? Ah, yes. Supernatural, Merlin, Buffy tvs, Angel the series, LOTR, Harry Potter, old x-files. I also like anime and and Manga. farvorite anime? Vampire Knight... and it cannot be dubbed! I also like plenty of others, I think of Elfin Leid when I say that... oh, and Blood+. Favorite Manga? Junjou Romantica, Vampire Knight, Loveless, Gravitation. I like the anime for these as well if they have it. Books: Dune, HP, LOTR, The Hunger Games, Wicked, the Southern Vampire Series, Snow Crash, American Gods, Pride and Prejudice, comics. Movies: The Boondock Saints, LOTR, HP series, Girl Interupted, SLC Punk, Walk Hard: the Dewie Cox Story, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Foxfire, Empire Records, Star Wars (only episodes 4-6), Iron Man (both of them), Thor (1&2), The Avengers Video Games: Dragon Age 1,2 and Inquisition, Kingdoms of Amalur, Little Big Planet, Star Ocean. I also love watching other people play Mass Effect, Dead Space and all the above mentioned games Oh, and I love Sushi :)
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